Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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