I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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