I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
