God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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