new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
