just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
