I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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