Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
