Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize