Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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