What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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