I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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