I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
not ubering you a puppy
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
