Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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