Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize