It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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