Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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