I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
