Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
