I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
