The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
