Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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