I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
