ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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