I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
