I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
