in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize