Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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