8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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