new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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