i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
