Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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