awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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