a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
