Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
false alarm, still single
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