my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
