my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
