you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
