Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
