Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
