You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
