I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
