I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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