so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
