my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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