I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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