The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
