So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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