i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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