Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Watching her eat just hurts me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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