You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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