girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
