WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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