you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
pray to the hookup gods
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
