My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
