Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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