Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize