Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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