I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
