At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
