My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
